Archive-
2001- Dairy December-
Top-Secrets
Revealed - VOLUME ONE
The True Collapse of
the Empire ( part
one )
12.01.01
- Submitted
by "Baptizer" |
Once
a month I, Baptizer, will reveal one of the most well kept secrets
that have been hidden from us, the public. I am hoping to disclose
the most important secrets only, by passing such silly ideas
like UFO’s, Loch Ness, and Bigfoot.
After
extensive research and digging, one great mystery has finally
been solved: The fall of the Empire. Everyone has asked themselves:
‘how on earth did the Empire get defeated by the Rebels?’.
Well ladies and gentlemen, the answers have finally been found.
The reason for the fall was mainly due to the hiring procedure
of their stormtroopers, and the many flaws it had! Lets start
from the beginning and unwind this great mystery!
Nothing
played a bigger part in the downfall of the empire more than
frostbite. During the Battle of Hoth, 98.3% of the entire
stormtrooper army developed some form of frostbite. But even
more deadly was where it had developed: the testicles. When
creating the ‘snow’ stormtrooper uniform, engineers
and scientists had disregarded the importance of gonad protection,
instead focusing on protecting the face and anal areas(see
picture). The only protection for the testicles was just a
slight layer of high polyfiber spandex. As we all know, spandex,
when revealed to cold temperatures, amplifies the temperatures
by 76%. Meaning once the temperatures dipped to a bone-chilling
–20 degrees Celsius, the temperatures in the groin was
reaching a staggering –254 degrees Celsius! Obviously
these temperatures cannot be sustained by male balls, freezing
them like ice cubes. Because of health issues, everyone effected
had to have their penisi and testicles removed. 98.3% of the
stormtrooper army was placed on disability and could no longer
take part in wartime battles. The Empire, in a desperate situation
to replace almost their entire army, had to totally change
their hiring process and qualifications.
This is
just the first part of this great mystery and top-secret story.
What went wrong with the hiring process? What lead to the
downfall? What happened to all those frozen penisi and testicles?
Come back for part 2 of this amazing story! |
Bum
Co’ XZ734 (Turbo Deluxe) Fully Powered Exercise Bike ™
12.31.01
- Submitted
by "Gibbon"
on 12.18.01
Hey there,
looting through my grandma’s underwear draw, I found a leaflet
advertising another quality ‘Bum Co’ product!
Here’s what it says:
‘Bum
Co’ XZ734 (Turbo Deluxe) Fully Powered Exercise Bike ™
Does
exercise leave you full out of breath and feeling crappy? Rowed
on that rowing machine one too many times? Hurts don’t it?
Well
does ‘Bum Co’ have the exercise machine for you!
The
XZ734 Fully Powered Exercise Bike ™ is a unique machine
that allows you to exercise, with out expending your own precious
energy. Its Fully Automated ™ system allows you to get fit
without any effort from you!
The
simple, but effective, concept behind this unique device is this,
simply plug in the XZ734 Fully Powered Exercise Bike ™
and select you’re desired speed form its impressive range of
pre-programmed settings: Sluggish, Mediocre, Speedy or Super Speedy
™. The XZ734 Fully Powered Exercise Bike ™ then
does the pedalling for you!
How
many exercise bikes can give you 50000 rpm? The answer? Just one
the XZ734 Fully Powered Exercise Bike ™! Think how fit
you can be, with its unique patented Easy Rider™ system.
It’s
easy with the XZ734 Fully Powered Exercise Bike ™!
Or
why not try the new XZ734 (Turbo Deluxe) Fully Powered Exercise
Bike ™ with steering?
‘Bum
Co’ we’re here to make your life better!
Now
if that’s not a good idea I don’t know what is! I think
my ears are bleeding.
'Bum Co' The Powered Powdered Water
12.21.01
- Submitted
by "Gibbon"
Whilst digging around in the store cupboard the other day,
I happened to perchance on some ‘Bum Co’ products. ‘Bum
Co’ (Est. 1947) makes a variety of fine products, which for
one reason or another, always mysteriously seem to fail, no matter
the ingenuity behind them.
Take
the fine, if rather battered, box of powdered water sachets I found
(3 still left). Theses things must be so useful for desert explorers,
or for picnics, or when you urgently need a bath, but there’s
no water around.
Simply
pull out your ‘Bum Co’ powdered water sachet, add some
water and there you go. Water. Fresh and see through just like it
should be. Simple really, but there you go.
Wonder
why these things never take off?
More
‘Bum Co’ products coming soon…
Impolite Giant Clams Spotted in Southern UK
12.12.01
- Submitted
by "Gibbon"
Ok I get out of bed this morning, go to the kitchen make some fresh
coffee, and whilst waiting for the kettle to boil, stare blindly
out of the kitchen window.
|
As
the alcohol poisoning begins to fade and focus begins to return,
I spot some kind of crustacean upon the lawn….
“Hmmmm”…
I think to myself. I don’t remember leaving that particularly
large mollusc by the petunias. Excitedly I go outside, and
prod the thing with my foot.
Despite
talking to the damn thing for about 5 minutes, it ignores
me. So spying the milkman I ask him what’s going on,
he tells me that its been happening all around the area, thousands
of clams, delivered fresh to the door.
On
asking about this bizarre and wonderful phenomenon he reminds
me that not everybody has a clam, or a lawn and tells me to
be grateful. So I am.
If
you don’t have a lawn or a clam, just rejoice in the
fact that I have both, and you have neither. Ha. I know I
am. |
Socialist
Santa
12.30.01
- Submitted
by "Snufkin"
on 12.30.01
I think Santa is a communist tyrant. First of all he wears red.
He picks the jobs and pay for his elves and his reindeer whom he
extorts. He is fat, so he can endure the long winters in Siberia.
He picks who gets what and who doesn't get anything on Christmas
Eve. He has a big beard, like Castro. Rudolph has a red nose to
light the night the communist way. Also Santa's sled is red. I know
what you thinking. Who cares if Santa Clause is a communist? At
least he gives us presents.
Well,
I think Santa has nuclear missiles under the snow in the North
Pole (Which is really in Siberia.) and I think he has them aimed
at major cities in the world. Its just a matter of time before
that son of a bitch decides to strike. Damn it, I live near London.
I am fucked. Well, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Oh yeah one more thing, Santa has spies. How else do you
think he knows who has been naughty and who has been nice? I think
he has hackers hooked up to ECHELON and he is keeping surveillance
on the whole world. He also has Black Helicopters spying on people.
He killed Kennedy and Lincoln because he gets money from
the Federal Reserve and private bankers to buy nuclear weapons
from his best friend in the Middle East, Saddam Hussein.
Fidel Castro is Santa Clause's jealous cousin, and that
is why you can't celebrate Christmas in Cuba.
In conclusion, Santa is communist and is plotting to
take over the world.
The
Ajar Gateway
12.30.01
- Submitted
by "NandP"
on 12.28.01
Prepare
yourself for a bone chilling adventure through the gateways
of a higher being from another dimension similar to ours.
You play the part of a security officer of a truck stop,
inspecting the incoming shipments of a pharmaceutical company.
What awaits you at the end of your journey?
Title:
The Ajar Gateway
Size: 732
kb
Length: Depends
Subject: 11 door
search puzzle
Parental Rating:
Mind altering |
Special guest appearance:
Mango the Kat |
|
A
Scientific Odyssey Through Parallel Universes
12.28.01
- Submitted
by "NandP"
on 12.28.01
Have you ever been on the toilet with nothing to read? I recently
visited a bookstore and picked up a book on physics. Very intriguing
stuff. The book is called Hyperspace
by Michio kaku. Here is a little something that gave
my mind shivers.
.....our
universe might be living in a curved space given by a hypersphere,
a sphere in four dimensions. If we look ahead, light will
circle completely around the small perimeter of the hypersphere
and return to our eyes. Thus we will see someone standing
in front of us, with his back facing us, a person wearing
the same clothes as we are. We look disapprovingly at the
unruly, unkempt mass of hair on this person's head, and then
remember that we forgot to comb our hair that day.
Is this person a fake image created by mirrors? To find out,
we stretch out our hand and put it on his shoulder. We find
that the person in front of us is a real person, not just
a fake. If we look into the distance, in fact, we see infinite
number of identical people, each facing forward, each with
his hand on the shoulder of the person in front.
But what is shocking is that we feel someone's hand sneaking
up from behind, which then grabs our shoulder. Alarmed, we
look back, and see another infinite sequence of identical
people behind us, with their faces turned the other way.
The book
greatly describes things that we can not see with our eyes.
The book also covers such things as wormholes, parallel universes,
heaven, hell, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12...................dimesion
levels of time and space. A physics book siting on the back
of the toilet will always get you laid as well. These books
are not just for expanding your mind. Fish, water, ripple, leaf,
wind, dark matter.
Evolution Revolution NO Solution
12.16.01
- Submitted
by "NandP"
The evolution chart speaks for itself. Human beings as we know
it today will greatly change in a million years. With genetic
experiments becoming a everyday task for scientists the future
may hold a grim conclusion for the human race. You may ask why
the shark? The shark is a pure killing machine of the ocean.
Dominating the vast reaches of waters. We, like the shark, dominate
the land mass of this planet. Except for the Yeti, for he owns
the forest and mountain areas.
As we move up the evolution chart we see what millions of Americans
see daily. Aliens, the grays, jelly guys, bogeymen, monsters
under the bed, whatever people call them. Its obvious the army
has recovered numerous spacecraft and alien remains from all
over.
Hypnotist discovered that aliens under there suggestion begin
to explain the mystery of life and direction. The big picture
here is we, the humans, are the aliens. Numerous scientist state
time travel is possible. So in a million years we could and
will do just that. One day I received some interesting documents
on this kind of subject. The one thing that disturbed me was
this statement straight from a hypnotic session.
"Why have you come to planet Earth?"
"Fo yo betchas, yo punk ass Earth betchas."
Other documents revealed time travel, the fall of responsible
parenthood, Santa's sighting photos, how to get girls easy,
cure for the clap, space travel, elimination of the stick market,
the us taking over the world, Elvis cloned by lonely house wives,
and the continents sink to the bottom of the ocean. The list
goes on.
"Are there many of your race on this planet?"
"Alwayz tryin to figure it out huh earth boy? We be studyin
you mofos for a million years and we still don't understand
yaz. Those dinos has bigga brains."
"Why do you like our women?"
"cauze foo, they be the shit of the universe. Earth girls
be sweetuff. God muzta broke da mold after they be made."
"So what is the meaning of life?"
"Food, girls, beer, cigs, and video games, dumbass."
The Reignbow Konnection
12.03.01
- Submitted
by "NandP"
Title:
The Reignbow Konnection
Size: 1.13
mb
Length: 3 Min.
Subject: Got me
Parental Rating:
Graphic |
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