Archive-
2001- Serpent September-
Monkey
Pee , Monkey Duty
09.25.01 -
Submitted by G.
Since
the 70's the US has sent many apes into deep space to perish among
the stars. NASA’s relationship with the monkeys began in the
1950s, but grew more closer by the 60's then on to a good bond by
the 70's. The 80's relationship grew rocky due to cheap gifts and
horrible food. NASA established a colony of 33 monkeys at Holloman
Air Force Base in southern New Mexico. The monkeys were seized from
the wild in Africa, and recruited in the space program, where they
were subjected to push buttons designed to gauge how humans would
react to the strain of space travel.
In
the late 90's the US army, with help from NASA, began training a
breed of super monkey soldier. Equipped with night vision head gear
these small assailants of the night act more like Ninja Monkeys.
At
the pentagon press conference one of our reporters went out to confirm
on the secret project. "I am unaware of such projects nor would
I fathom the US army exploring the possibilities of training primates
for war time. Sir, I believe you watch to much television."
Mr. ----- told us. Our reporter believed he lied.
Their
weapons range from throwing stars to nunchakas. Some even trained
in long range marksmanship. A biological chemical has been fed to
the fresh recruits causing their feces to act as a poison agent.
When the ammunition runs out the apes can simply throw their shit
at the enemy. They could even sneak up from behind the mark with
shit in hand and shove a nice load into the yawning mouth.
A
small team would infiltrate under the cover of night and eliminate
a entire camp of targets within minutes. Deployment from choppers,
gliders, crates, or even parachuted into the drop zones give these
fury guys a place of there own.
Hand
signals and imitated wildlife communications between the SMS keep
them in the shadows quietly out of sight ready to pounce. Foreign
tongues wont pose a problem due to intense language training.
Soap
Cleans the Body and the Mind
09.22.01 -
Submitted
by NandP
Most
of the population in the United States has used or uses soap products
for cleaning objects and cleaning themselves. Coming home from
work sweaty and dirty is not one of the most comfortable and good
smelling times of the day. Jumping in the shower helps clean away
these bad elements of odor and filth for social interaction. Without
soap a no mans land crop circle would form around your presence.
Trapped
in a elevator with a woman who smells like a Alaska fishing boat
wouldn't be the greatest of moments. After days go by in the elevator
the woman takes the shape of a giant fish waiting to be devoured.
The police open the steel doors and find you feasting on the woman's
innards and you tell them. "It's fish, and it's good".
You'll find yourself either on death row or stuck in a white padded
cellar stinking cell. This is when the devil has his way with you.
He'll come in the form of a hot ass woman in a red dress. When your
about to lock lips she transforms into the fish from the elevator.
This makes you hungry and you begin eating your hand thinking its
the fish. After awhile the padded walls are sprinkled with red dots.
The
Insane Travel by Bus
09.20.01 -
Submitted by
NandP
A local man dressed in pink tights and a baseball cap did the unthinkable
on a greyhound bus on Monday. Witnesses say the man appeared normal
except for a deformity of the right hand. "Everything was calm
then the screaming started. It was horrifying." John R Rutabaga
said.
Another claims he witnessed the event as he took
pictures of the scenery. (The actually photo of the event has yet
to be released) "Like dude the blood was all over the place.
When he ripped that girls head off I lost it. I puked on the chick
next to me. Then that chick puked on the priest in front of her.
It was awesome!. Reminded me of a chain reaction in atoms back in
high school. reakin rad man!" Imaf Reak stated. D2 |
