Archive- 2002- Juicy Ass January-

The Cuban Infidel Crisis
01.18.02 - Submitted by "Snufkin" on 01.15.02
Whilst watching the Simpsons with a nice hot cup of lemon tea in my hand I ponder those less fortunate than I. What of those who go to comprehensive schools? How do people manage with only one car? Is it really true that some people don’t have cable television channels? But look…… what’s this?

This program has been interrupted for a special news update. We have breaking news on the current situation in Afghanistan. Although many have fled to lead the rest of their lives as ordinary taxi drivers, several members of the Al Quaeda terrorist network have been captured. It seems that immediate execution has been forgone. Instead they will be detained in the military base at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. We now return you to our scheduled programming.

Hmm.. that rings a bell. A quick glance at my film collection jogs my memory; A Few Good Men!! I knew Guantanamo Bay sounded familiar. But what if they decide to give those prisoners a code red? How unfair! In my flustered state I decided to come out of retirement and dig deeper. The first thing I proceeded to do was to make another cup of lemon tea and drive to the airport.

When I arrived in Cuba I saw that the dossier given to me by Colonel Ronald Dumsfeld wasn’t so exaggerated after all. The prisoners do not come under the ‘prisoner-of-war criteria’ because they are not part of the Afghan armed forces but they still have to be treated under human rights. Below, a comprehensive report on what I found:

After seeing such excellent standards I went to see one of the staff officers to congratulate them on the wonderfully pleasant treatment of the prisoners. He had this to say ‘yes, we have gone to extraordinary lengths to ensure the treatment of these infidels. We are of course very much aware that the international community have their eyes on us, but they are having a great time here. During exercise periods they will have the opportunity to roam the famous Guantanamo woods. They are lucky to be able to experience the Cuban culture in this most auspicious hunting season.’

I had heard about this hunting season, and I took the opportunity to ask him about the threat of bears. He said ‘oh the bears are quite harmless in this region. They will only go after you if they smell blood’.

The Swine Invasion
01.05.02- Submitted by "Snufkin" on 01.03.02
This is the second of my conspiracy theory articles for 2DarkPark. Last time I informed you of the little known fact that Santa is a communist tyrant. Today I will discuss the more ‘current’ issue; the use of pig organs for transplant in humans. But what are the ethical implications of such a move? And more importantly, what will it mean for the international security of the free world. I for one have many concerns.

Scientists increasingly believe that this process will lead to humans behaving more like pigs! The ethical and economic implications of this would be enormous! What would happen to the New Economy is a significant number of people started demanding reprocessed, meat entrails for lunch as pigs do? We may have to open up large outlets nationwide, which serve this amalgamation of third hand reprocessed protein and starch in standardised portions. Below is an artist’s impression of what these outlets may look like:

One of the most chilling consequences of a homo-swine lifestyle is brought up by professor Gip of Oxford university ‘as we all know, pigs live in pigsties. Think for a moment if you will, the potential threat to our thriving housing market if everyone traded their three bedroom semi-detached houses in suburbia or their condos in Hawaii for these make shift enclosures made of refuse and agricultural left behinds? It may seem like science fiction but we may have hundreds of people littering the city streets in these ramshackle ‘ghettos’.’

Of course Pigs used to be slender wild creatures, fast moving and adept at foraging for food. This is until humans got hold of them and started using them for their own purposes. Years of selective breeding have caused the entire pig population to become critically obese. There was nothing wrong with this when we needed them for food, but what will be the consequence of using these super fat pig organs for human transplant. We may end up with a nation with a nation of clinically obese lounge animals! All this may seem frightening, but we have to understand how bizarre a pig organ engineered world may be. Indeed our great democratic governments may have to commission stores where these overweight people can purchase specially designed clothes etc. Again we have an artist’s impression to help you visualise this painful picture:

It is the belief of this reporter, that the new breakthroughs in science that enable such operations aren’t breakthroughs at all! Our great nation states are being flooded with harmful technologies from lesser totalitarian countries, perhaps of differing religious origin. Do not be alarmed citizens! Armed forces were mobilised several months ago to disperse the threat of mutual cultural exchange. These forces can be easily diverted to meet this new threat. I hope to achieve this in my next meeting with the oligarchy… I mean heads of state. Commenting on the matter is head of democratic security, Melvin Nukem; ‘we are doing everything in our power to catch the perpetrator. There are only two things we know for sure at this time 1) the motive is jealously, jealousy of our superior civilisation and our capital economy, and 2) we have God on our side’.

I ask you to beware. Report any unusual pig like behaviour to the local authorities, and keep up your righteous vigilance. God Bless

Links of Amusement from the Forums
01.11.02- Submitted by "G." on 01.10.0

Rumors spread from Hollywood of a sequel to the story of the slow minded, but resourceful man, throughout the most
important parts of American history.

Many questioned how could there be a sequel?

This questioned rested heavy on Robert Zemeckis's shoulders at the beginning of the script. Most news on the net of this dead film is pure rumor and speculation. We here at 2 Dark Park have the main poop scoop on who had the chance to play the dead role of Forest Gump. (see image)

Tom Hank declined to do the sequel, so it was up to Mr. Zemeckis to find a replacement for this staring role. Actors jumped at the chance and auditioned for the part. Lucky for me my uncles, sisters, grandfathers, brother was the custodian at the studio of the audition. The image on the left is a cardboard cut out with a hole for the actors to stick their heads into for Zemeckis to get a visualization of his dream star. Zemeckis picked Mike Dixion out of thousands of actors. For those who do not know of Mike Dixion, you selective few most travel to Apollo, Pennsylvania to see this master of talent perform before hundreds of drunk citizens.

The town of Apollo is so isolated from the real world that most of its citizens carry handguns and sing in the streets. A very unusual place for the casual visitor. When you get close enough to this small town signs mark caution to unwary travelers to steer clear. Beware the drunkin gorilla, for he knows no love.

"Lets Get the Hell Outta Here" Music Video
01.14.02- Submitted by "NandP" on 01.12.02